It’s All About You

Being parentally bereaved as a child is a significant life changing event. How can we ensure that our children are able to move forward with resilience and blossom?

As the surviving parent, it is an entirely natural response to want to focus on how your child is coping and make their needs the priority. As a parent you get used to making the personal sacrifices from the moment your child is born. There are, of course, many different tools we can use with children to support them in processing their bereavement but one of the key resources available to them (and the one most children would choose) is YOU.

In general terms, children develop resilience through having an attuned and emotionally available parent who can help them regulate their emotions (i.e. soothe them when distressed) and who can support them to make sense of what is happening in their lives (i.e. give them language to describe their thoughts and feelings.) This becomes especially important when a child goes through a highly stressful life event such as parental bereavement. Being this attuned and emotionally available parent is challenging enough with the day to day life events and transitions, but again takes on extra significance when a child loses a parent.

Gosh … that feels a lot doesn’t it? Especially when you are likely to be feeling overwhelmed yourself. The good news is that you don’t have to be perfect … you have to be ‘good enough’. What does this look like? Well, I’d say something like this:

·         Consistency of response (so trying to give a similar response more often than not)

·         Acknowledging with your child when you make mistakes, and when you feel you’ve not got it quite right e.g. “I’m sorry, I can see I’ve got that wrong and I’ve upset you. You know what? Mummy’s really tired and can’t think straight tonight. Let’s have a hug and can we talk more in the morning? I promise I’ll be better at listening then” (and then make sure you do talk in the morning.)

The thing with attuned parenting is that parents do it best when they are not too emotionally  ‘full up’ themselves. REPEAT AFTER ME: you cannot give from an already overflowing cup! Think about what happens when we don’t prioritise ourselves. For me I had regular bouts of ill health during the first 4 years that would leave me physically and emotionally wiped out. I mean when I got sick, I got REALLY sick – bedbound for 7-10 days at a time (not easy as a solo parent!) and then it would take me weeks to return to normal health. The mind / body connection is worth paying attention to - our bodies give us great clues about our emotional state. I learnt to notice both my physical health and my emotional state and sought counselling support to work through and process the loss of Matt. Having an outlet to do this freed me up to be more emotionally available to Harry.

The evidence is there and repeatedly shows that having a parent who is taking care of themselves emotionally is actually a protective factor for parentally bereaved children. So what do you need to do to take the best care of you?

You have always been (but especially in the wake of parental bereavement) the most precious person in your child’s world … yep even to your teenager if you have one (that’s for another blog!) And it’s important to take care of something so precious. One way of starting to take care of yourself is to get curious and increase your awareness about yourself. My intention with this blog is to support you in doing this by posing a few questions at the end of each entry. Stilling the mind even for a few moments can bring new insights which can lead you to take new actions … enabling you and your children to move forward into new beginnings. So, find 10 minutes in your day to take a deep breath, get the mind quiet and see what emerges from the following questions:

Journalling questions:

·         Where do you physically feel it in your body when you’re starting to feel emotionally overwhelmed? What are the clues your body is giving you?

·         What have you found that helps you to feel calmer? What one thing could you do now to bring more of this into your day to day life (think small changes)?

·         Write a list of all the people in your support network (friends, family, colleagues, support organisations etc) and think about how each of these people might be able to support you in getting a bit more ‘you’ time. Again, think small and avoid falling into thinking “I don’t want to be a burden.” My experience is that most people are desperate to support you in some way. Ask yourself “would you do it for others?” If the answer is yes, let people in!

If you would like to seek further support around looking after yourself, I’d love to hear from you. Please contact me via the website (the Contact Fiona button) or email me at fiona.wadforth@outlook.com