Back to School
How quickly has the summer gone?! I always feel a hint of sadness when the summer break comes to an end, even though I no longer have to organise my life around school holidays. I think there’s something about the ‘looseness’ and flexibility of summer that I love, especially when the sun is out. Returning to routine can feel a bit difficult.
And so, with the ending of summer, comes the return of school, and this can be hard to adjust to. The start of school signifies a transition – a change from the old and familiar into the beginning of something new and uncertain. For bereaved children, this can be a particularly challenging time. Think about it … they’re about to embark on a change from the old and familiar into the beginning of something new and uncertain. (This is especially true for children going into Y7 and the start of secondary school.) Our children have already experienced the painful emotions of transition when their parent died, and so any kind of transition has the potential to trigger those painful feelings of uncertainty, worry, and fear again.
It may at times feel tempting to try and avoid some transitions in a bid to protect your child from feeling those feelings all over again, but realistically that’s not possible … nor is it helpful to them. Change is a natural part of life. Supporting your children through transitions like starting back at school can help them to build resilience to change so that they feel more able to cope.
Ways to help your child:
Begin the routine now – help your child over the next few days start to transition out of the old and into the new. This allows the transition to be a gentle change rather than a sudden one. Sudden change can bring on overwhelming emotions that feel too difficult for them to manage.
Start to talk about school – depending on the age of your child you could have conversations about what particular parts of the school day are difficult? Who are the adults they can ask for help from? Is there a particular room in the school they can go to if they’re feeling overwhelmed or distressed? Encouraging your children to be part of finding solutions is a crucial aspect of building resilience. When you problem solve together, your child starts to develop skills to manage change and the brain begins to tell them that they have got the inner resources to cope in difficult times.
Try and help your child identify the parts of school they enjoy. This might be seeing friends or starting after school activities again. Focusing on the positive aspects of returning to routine can bring some balance to your conversations.
Speak with the school directly. Communicate what you think your child reasonably needs from the school. Is it a kind staff member to be available to them when distressed? Or to check in on them during the day? Is there a space in school your child could go to if feeling overwhelmed? Schools sometimes don’t know what support individual bereaved children need and welcome guidance from a parent on this.
If possible (and I recognise this is dependent on individual circumstances) make some quality time for you and your child / children during their first week or two back. Low key activities like walking, playing games (board or otherwise!), going for a bike ride etc allow your children to reconnect with you. Remember you are their most precious resource when they are going through transitions (see previous post.)
If your child is facing the big transition to secondary school, emotions may feel especially heightened for both you and your child (I remember this well. After the incredible nurture Harry got at primary school, I was pretty anxious about whether he would receive this at secondary school.) Whilst all of the above suggestions remain relevant for your child, there are a couple of other things I think can help. If there are friends who have not made the move to the same school, it can be helpful to arrange a time in the first few weeks back for your child to see an old friend and do an activity that feels familiar and comfortable to them both. Continuing this over the months is a good way of keeping some of the old whilst also embracing some of the new. It can also be helpful to factor in some ‘downtime’ for your child in the first few weeks. They are often very tired as they adjust to new people and new routines. Tiredness + overwhelming feelings = potentially explosive results!
Finally, check in on yourself. How are you feeling about the transition? I’m going to be honest, there were times I did not feel great about it. The most difficult transitions for me were summer 2012 (Y3 into Y4) when Matt was first diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the school holidays; and then the transition from primary to secondary when I was overwhelmed with the uncertainty of the new. A note to finish on though … children can be remarkably resilient when we are least expecting it. Our feelings are not our children’s feelings. It’s important to separate these out. Recognise your own emotions and then check in with your child on theirs – they may just surprise you 😊
Stilling the mind even for a few moments can bring new insights which can lead you to take new actions … enabling you and your children to move forward into new beginnings. So, find 10 minutes in your day to take a deep breath, get the mind quiet and see what emerges from the following questions:
Journalling questions:
How are you feeling about this transition into a new school year?
What is your child telling you about their feelings? Are they the same?
What small steps can you take to ensure a smoother transition for your child? Write them down to remind you if things start to feel a bit wobbly
If you have some worries about your children and school and would like some support and advice around this, I’d be happy to help you. One off sessions are available. Please contact me via the website (the Contact Fiona button) or email me at fiona.wadforth@outlook.com