Changing seasons (and learning to thrive)

The chill in the air and the biblical rain we’ve had this last week or so has felt like a rather severe jump into autumn. The seasonal switch brings a reminder that change is a normal part of life. As summer becomes autumn, our natural world leaps into action to prepare for the colder days of winter. There’s a certainty and familiarity to the shifting elements of nature’s seasons.

Change is also a natural part of our human life cycle. However, whilst we all know that our lives will end at some point, death can be less predictable than nature’s seasons. Premature bereavement (as in the case of those widowed young) and / or sudden traumatic loss can leave us unprepared for the future. As humans, the life changes we experience can bring on strong emotions that threaten to overwhelm us and leave us in a state of survival. However, I think there is something we can take from nature’s way of managing change … and that’s the art of being adaptable. Animals that can adapt to the fluctuations in seasons have a stronger likelihood of survival. I think the idea of survival and learning to adapt to changing circumstances can be applied when we think about grief. Being able to tolerate, process and adapt to the strong emotions that grief brings does enable people to ‘survive’ the enormity of bereavement.

The Elisabeth Kübler-Ross grief cycle was once considered THE theoretical model of understanding bereavement. It outlines five stages people typically experience when coping with grief – denial / anger / bargaining / depression / acceptance. Whilst these stages are undoubtedly helpful in offering some insight into the emotional process during such difficult times, it is now widely acknowledged that these stages are not linear, and that one might experience them in a different order or revisit a stage multiple times. I think the final ‘stage’ of acceptance is also a bit limiting. To me it suggests a kind of learning to live with the loss but without any action towards navigating your new circumstances.

Fortunately, grief expert David Kessler has introduced a sixth stage that follows on from acceptance – finding meaning. I love this phrase! It resonates strongly with the life coach part of me. It suggests there are things you can actively do that enable you to embrace life’s opportunities and live again. It also speaks to the part of me that knows that witnessing your partner die young initially puts you into survival mode, but then there comes an opportunity for a rebuilding phase. And I don’t know about you but during this rebuilding phase I found that the experience of witnessing death had made me look at life in a completely different way. Have you found this too?    

Don’t get me wrong; I can still easily recall those earlier stages of grief. And they most definitely were not linear and sometimes it felt as if I was in several stages at once. For me stage 4 or the ‘rock bottom sadness’ as I like to call it is the part that really sticks out. The first ‘rock bottom’ for me was the second year of bereavement (when friends and family were understandably getting on with life and I just couldn’t) and then I hit another one at 5 years. In the second year of bereavement, I think I was still too deep in grief to think about the rebuilding phase. I was very much in survival. At the 5 year mark a number of life events took me to rock bottom sadness again, but this time it was different. I was different. This period of time happened to coincide with me studying and then qualifying as a transformational life coach. I grew to really love the idea of transformation, especially when people have been knocked back hard by life. For me it’s been a process of getting to know myself really well (even the stuff that’s not always pretty to look at!) In the strangest of ways, losing Matt has enabled me to get clear on what’s important to me, how I want to live my life, and it has given me a desire to make the most of every moment, living a life courageously. I don’t always get this right but it gives me a foundation from which to keep moving forward and I’m determined to keep trying. These days I feel I’m constantly in the rebuild phase but now it feels exciting rather than overwhelming.

My life has grown in ways I couldn’t expect when I was first bereaved. Lois Tonkin talks of ‘Growing Around Grief’ … it poses the idea that grief doesn’t get any smaller, but as time goes on our world and life around the grief gets bigger. I think all the models on the grief experience have something of relevance but it’s the more recent ones that, for me, capture an afterlife to bereavement that feels encouraging and hopeful. I feel this is especially important when your loss has been at a young age.

I truly believe that even in the worst moments of life change is possible for everyone, but it can really help to have someone alongside you to support you through this transformation. That’s where I come in! Working with me allows you to not only process the emotional impact of loss but also think about the ‘what next’. We can work together in the rebuilding phase and when you hit the inevitable stumbling blocks of doubt, self-criticism and fear (it happens to us all) I will be alongside you reminding you of all that you have survived and supporting you to step into a life where you can thrive. Because surely after all you have been through, don’t you deserve to experience that? 🙂

If reading this has sparked something in you, I’d love to hear from you. Please contact me via this website (press the Contact Fiona button) or email me at fiona.wadforth@outlook.com

Journalling questions:

As always on my blogs I like to leave you with something to think about 😊Stilling the mind even for a few moments can bring new insights which can lead you to take new actions … enabling you to move forward into new beginnings. So, find 10 minutes in your day to take a deep breath, get the mind quiet and see what emerges from the following questions:

-          As you read this article, what thoughts and emotions are coming up for you?

-          If you could lead a life full of meaning, what would this life look like? What are the things that are important

to you? Visualise the detail and write it all down. What can you see in this future? Hear? Feel?

-          What one step could you take today that would start your journey into that life you’re visualising?